If you’ve ever spent time around a newborn, you may have noticed that they clench their little fists around anything that touches their palm……a finger, a toy, a lock of hair. They can’t help it. This “palmar grasp” as it’s called in the pediatrics world is one of many infantile reflexes. I used to test it during wellness visits by touching my pinky to infants’ palms, and observing the way they wrapped their little fingers around my pinky with surprising strength. I’ve always thought of the palmar grasp reflex as an evolutionary advantage for our primate ancestors. It may have helped those infants hang on to their mom or dads’ furry backs as they were transported through the jungle. Even though human infants usually don’t have to hang on to their caregiver to avoid being dropped in the jungle, they all still have this reflexive grasp. Anyone who has had their hair or an earring in the grips of an infant knows that to release the grasp, their little fingers must be pried open one by one. They can’t let go.
Around 4 months, the palmar grasp reflex fades and more purposeful motor skills emerge. Babies at this age delight in games of passing a toy back and forth. Their smiles and giggles show the pride that they have in their new abilities. Among the new skills is the ability to let go. While they may still pull hair and earrings, it is now a game rather than an involuntary reflex.
Over the years, I’ve come back to this bit of wisdom learned from infants: Grasping is a reflex and letting go is a skill. It rings true beyond the context of infantile reflexes and motor skill development. Grasping is human nature. Just as with infants, it is reflexive that we grasp and cling to what we want. We grasp pleasant emotions and experiences, desired outcomes, and adored people. We grasp because we don’t want the pleasant experience to end. We think that maybe if we hold on tightly, don’t let go and keep it in our sights, we can make it last.
Of course, this grasping is a set up for disappointment. Just as we are changing moment to moment, so is everything around us. Emotions, thoughts, experiences, and people come and go. If we grasp onto them, we grind against the fundamental nature of our impermanent world. You’ve probably heard the saying that the only constant is change. Grasping is a futile attempt to preserve a moment. It denies impermanence, spinning a tale of unrealistic expectations.
Even if we cognitively understand the futility of grasping at pleasant experiences and emotions, the reality is that it is still hard to let go. Grasping feels safe. It’s like hiding out in a mental control tower. When we grasp at the pleasant, we are believing that we are in control. We want to believe that we can avoid the unpleasant. So we keep grasping until we notice that the control tower is over rated. It might feel comfortable and safe, but it does not feel truly alive. When we grasp at the pleasant and avoid the unpleasant, we are reducing the breadth and depth of a full experience to a simplified and partial interpretation; a contraction. Hiding out in our control tower is like pulling a veil over the experience of our lives, blunting our ability to feel alive and present.
Exiting the mental control tower, lifting the veil, choosing to be fully alive and present for our moment to moment experience happens as we learn to let go. Just like an infant, initially it may feel more like prying open a clenched fist one finger at a time. We become accustomed to our habitually clenched fists and we may feel that we need the perception of safety and control that grasping provides us. Letting go requires facing the tender vulnerability of our own impermanence. It requires the bravery to face our own lack of control and a willingness to open to the uncertainty of each moment.
Letting go is akin to entering into the wilderness of our lives. When we enter a wilderness, we give up some control and accept the risks of an unknown and wild place. And we are often rewarded with awe-inspiring beauty and confidence building experiences. We become more resilient as we discover that we can handle the challenges we face, and our experience of uncertainty may seem less threatening. It is from this platform of possibility that new opportunities emerge.
Over time and with lots of practice, we can get better at letting go. Most of us will never escape the impulse to grasp at the pleasant and avoid the unpleasant. That’s just part of being a human. But, we can bring awareness to what is happening, and we can choose to let go: to stay present. In this presence is an openness to what each moment has to offer and an aliveness that deepens our connections with all that we encounter.
Perhaps it is a glimmer of this wisdom that lies behind the smiling eyes of infants with their newly mastered skill of letting go. May we, too, find delight in our developing skill of releasing our grasp and living fully.
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